You're not fooling us

That's right all you Perfect Homeschool Moms (PHMs) out there, you aren't fooling us. Freakmom and her Freak Readers know the truth. You aren't so perfect, you are making it all up. There's no way you could actually be that perfect, have such perfect homes and children, and not be carted off in a straight jacket. You must be lying.

Signs of a PHM:

1. You claim your kids teach themselves. We know the truth, homeschool kids don't teach themselves any more than any other kids. Sure they'll memorize every cat in the entire Warriors series, but they'll never learn all the presidents just for fun.
2. You turn every question into a "teachable moment". Sure it sounds great on the playground or in the forum that when your kid asked you why you could see the moon during the day, you turned it into a week long unit study including a model moon made out of paper mache, a fictional story of a talking dog who went to the moon with his best friend a squirrel (written and illustrated by the child), repainting the family room in a moonscape mural, and a field trip to the planetarium. We know the truth, you answered "I don't know, look it up" and it was quickly forgotten and never looked up.
3. Your second grader is teaching herself calculus and your fifth grader just finished high school. Why is it you people that are always interviewed by the local newspapers anyway? Like we need that kind of pressure. We're happy if our kids are doing borderline grade appropriate work and not sticking boogers on the walls.
   
4. Your house is always clean. Uh huh, sure it is. We won't ask you what that is growing in your bathroom sink. I don't think we want to know.
   
5. You make all your meals from scratch using ingredients you grew in your garden. We see that McDonald's bag stuffed under the front seat of your car.
6. You never return a library book late, miss a birthday, forget to pick up the groceries or leave a child at the store accidentally. Do a quick count, odds are there is either an overdue library book under the couch or a kid unaccounted for.
   
7. When left alone your child begins an impromptu study of the ocean, complete with salt water versus fresh water experiments, model jelly fish and a play about whales. Right, he dumped the salt shaker in the goldfish bowl, smeared Jell-O on the wall and ran around the house making whale noises like Dory in Finding Nemo all afternoon.
   
8. Your children promptly show their day's work to their dad when he walks in the door from work. They fully explain the diorama they made, recite the capitals of all 50 states and retell the classic novel they finished reading. "What you do today, kids?" "Nothing." (mumbled). "What's this?" (pointing to diorama). "Some stupid shoebox thing Mom made me do."
9. You make all birthday presents from scratch, for fun, not economic necessity. See number 5, you didn't even remember that your mom had a birthday until she called you three days later with the guilt trip.
10. All your vacations and field trips are purely educational. I saw in you in line at Dumbo. Eating that ice cream bar.
11. Your whole family exercises together everyday. No, walking into Taco Bell from a remote parking space doesn't count.
12. Your children take complete responsibility for the pets. Rest in peace, Mr. Hamster. It was nice knowing you.
    

So give it up PHMs. You aren't fooling us, save it for the public school moms. They'll buy it. They'll believe anything. Lose the act and come join us on the dark side, "The Freak Side." We'll be waiting for you, we're the ones with our hair sticking up, mismatched shoes and a slightly dazed look in our eyes.